START OF THE WEEK THOUGHTS | 5.9.22

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I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that I've been dreading for the six whole weeks since I made it. It’s one of those appointments where I’ve been telling myself it will be fine (because I know it really will) but there’s also a lingering feeling of uncertainty and to be honest, I’m slightly freaking the hell out. I feel like a teeter totter, going back and forth. It’ll be fine! But what if something isn’t... No, it’s fine. It’ll be over with before you know it. Let’s just say 2:00pm tomorrow can’t come fast enough.

I've been pushing it out of the way but at this point it’s unavoidable. With less than fifteen hours to go, it’s pretty much all I have been and can focus on right now. I had more ambitious plans when it came to content for today’s blog post but here we are. That all-consuming mental block is a weird feeling. It’s a little destabilizing to admit but in a bizarre way also feels cathartic? I’m an internalizer of these things but I finally just needed to let go of it. I'm not fond of that feeling. It's impossible to be in control of everything in life but it is possible to control what controls you. Writing seems to really help with acknowledging that-- definitely easier than verbalization.

I have been reminded today that these are the times that really test your grit, your perseverance. Between stressing over the appointment and blog content (or lack thereof), I was a short way away from just calling it quits. After scrapping idea after idea, I had to just close the laptop and take a few. You can bet I also entertained the idea of 86ing the appointment all together... I'm too type A to *actually* cancel but it was a nice thought while it lasted!

Sometimes when you’re feeling stuck or frustrated, it helps to just take a breather and walk away. Sometimes it helps to have the meltdown too, ya know? Getting a bath always relaxes me so I decided to pivot what clearly wasn’t working. As I'm running the water, I had a chance to detach for a few and mentally recenter. I had the thought of why not just talk about this? There's a strong probability I'll regret it later and a very good chance this post is part of the 20% bullshit (more on that here), but I decided that’s okay for today. The sun will rise.

All in all, we're starting the week off in a weird spot. If you're freaking out, know I'm also freaking out. We all freak out at times. I don’t have many words of wisdom to offer you today besides giving yourself grace in moments like these. Whatever that means or looks like to you. Maybe that's taking a breather or embracing the melt down. Sometimes it’s the small, seemingly stupid moments that have the biggest impact on us but it's okay to embrace the uncertainty, anxiety and perturbations. Until next time, xx.